MY 3mpty_h3@rt

2011-11-25T23:20:00.001+08:00

i hope that we can still be how we used to behave... i need a hug from you..
i love you baby

2011-09-14T19:50:00.001+08:00

It is very demoralizing when you treated me like a transparency, it's so saddening and heart breaking. You ain't wrong to treat me like this, talk to me soon.

Fever, Flu, Migraine and cough, why are you haunting me when work and love is bad enough towards me?

2011-09-12T22:40:00.001+08:00

To my dearest GIRLFRIEND,

I am seriously lost for words, blame on my poor vocabulary etc.
I seriously can't find words that best describe how i am feeling towards you baby.
You gave me a chance, i upset you.
i made a promise, and you came back.
I broke that promise, and you are coming back no more.

Blame it on my temper, but trust me baby.. i am doing whatever i can to control it, to tame that hot temper of mine.

I am sorry for unknowingly remind you of the past, believe me baby ... i really don't mean it...

How i really wish to take my heart out, put it right into your face and let you see how serious am i towards you. To show you how much i love you to the extend of me being lost for words.

It's because i really do love you, that i am willing to make sacrifices and being fussy with everything (Because i really didn't want anything bigger to happen in the future.)

I am really putting in the effort and i hope you will too... somehow or another..

TOUGH TIMES DON'T LAST, TOUGH MAN DO...
The same for us...

You are smart enough, you understand this.

From me,

Your Beloved Boyfriend... I LOVE YOU..

2011-09-12T10:56:00.002+08:00

Can't you see i am whole lot serious bout you?

Why can't you feel that i am really putting in the effort?

Can't you feel that my heart's shattered by the way you treated me? so coldly, am like a total transparency ....

Can't you understand that i did that out of love?

you don't like it, lets talk it out?

2011-09-01T03:13:00.001+08:00

Will it end or cont?

Never-ending love..... is all i wish for...

3am and i am just done with a little portion of my work,
mental stress and exhaustion stepping,
i don't know if you are reading it...
i just wanted to hear your voice so that i could be recharged...

You seem so far away, just pictures pictures and pictures for motivation...

2011-08-31T17:48:00.000+08:00

Sudden pile up of work..

I need a break!

Blog address changed, i questioned, and a time out card given, there goes the planning effort for 3rd sept down the drain, FUCK MY LIFE

2011-08-19T15:33:00.002+08:00

HER: Can we just go to facebook and put in a relationship with each other? So that

It got me on Cloud 9 and sky high, but we do have to understand that we ain't able to do just that at this moment, for a greater cause..

Love you from me...

What experience should i buy this time for you?

2011-08-15T16:52:00.001+08:00

No matter how hard i try or what i do,
i do understand that it remain there for a very long time,
Or else, it's forever.

But i really hope that you understand that i really didn't meant for all of those to happen. But it did, sadly.

You have been very cold towards me, and have been very cruel with your words to me. But Baby, i really still do love you and no matter how hard i try, i am sorry i ain't able to leave or to 'unlove' you no matter how hard i try.

Day and Night, you have never left my thoughts for a moment. I can't concentrate on the things i need to do.... PLEASE COME BACK..

When i saw you ytd, i really hoped for time to hold so that i could enjoy the time spent with you. I really did appreciate every single moment spent with you, and i love it simply..

I understand that you believe the Tarrot Card readings on our relationship's outcome as a failure, and i am not saying that i do not believe in it...i am just merely trying to prove it all wrong.

"There was a prediction, that this man will die... and he did BUT he came back to life the next second."

"GOD gave us heart to feel and a brain to think on our own, it's for us to decide on our fate, he can of course lay a path but whether to walk that path or to create another for ourselves depends on us."

SUZANNE, please have faith in us, somehow or another we will be able to overcome tough obstacle...

SUZANNE, 我爱你

2011-08-10T19:31:00.002+08:00

My men came to me today...
And said...
"Sir...can you not work till so late and being so tired everyday?"

I replied,
"Sorry bro, i can't... there's too much things to settle."

Him,
"The platoon doesn't wanna see their PC looking so exhausted everyday."

My reply,
"It's okay, as long as they appreciate what i am doing... as long as people do appreciate i don't mind... it's my passion, my purpose."

Him,
"You should try hanging out more often, so that you can spend more time with her, leave work aside. No point getting so stressed up with work and your temper will worsen too"

My reply,
"Bro, i just lost her due to my temper"

And it continues.... so on so forth..but thanks for the nice concern, i think it's more than enough for me to carry on.

I made Suzanne my life, even though it was just a short 2 months
My time were mostly spent with her
I was easily jealous, and i changed..

I lost my temper, my cool and my mind,
I held her fist so tight, and it hurt her
I pulled her so hard and she fell(MY HEART BROKE)

I wasn't pretending to be concern towards you baby, i was really sincerely concerned..
I am really sorry, don't leave me.
I promise that none of these will happen again, i really mean it.

Come back to me please..

I want to be your boyfriend Suzanne... i really do :(

2011-08-09T21:32:00.001+08:00

You asked in the beginning on this video of mine... i found it... just for you

*I really wish to perform in a bar so badly again.....*

2011-08-09T21:03:00.002+08:00

It is very hard for me to put this full stop to the end of this chapter in my life.
Somehow i can't bear to let it go,...好辛苦很痛苦伤痛了你对不起我爱你
I wonder what have i not done enough for both of us...
I guess after all that i have done is down the drain, cos of the words that i have said, the pain i had inflicted..
i didn't meant for it to happen, i just didn't want you to walk out of my life, didn't want you to leave
i held you back so hard, you felt hurt
i pulled you back cos i didn't want you to walk away
but you fell
你伤到，我心痛，我不是故意的。。。对不起

I am sorry, though john is of the past but when i see anything tt i have got to do with him, i felt uncomfortable, when i saw you texting him i lost my cool..

Nevertheless, i still love you so much even till now when you so decided to leave my side.
if you give me another chance, which i doubt so, i will never use any strength anymore
i will let you walk away when you are angry

2011-08-09T14:32:00.002+08:00

Broken the code of conduct, mentioned the words of anger, done the unforgivable, end of a short chapter.

It's really over this time.
I told the man up there recently, my temper has improved tremendously and i am ready to face any challenges, here came one.
and i failed it terribly...

I realized, if a girl choose to walk away, let her be... once she has cool it, she will be right back.

WILL NEVER DO IT AGAIN, I PROMISE

2011-07-28T15:56:00.000+08:00

Out of sight,out of mind. 怕不怕? ....
My ans ? Yes I will be but I guess I will have to bear with it..

2011-07-28T14:16:00.000+08:00

First knew a special someone on 130611, talked, dated, and i fell in love with her...
It's kinda complicated, but i don't mind. I wonder if she will tell me again to un-love her ?

Heartbreaking... it really does.

She wants us to have a time off for 2 weeks, if she wants it, i will just respect her decision and let it be.

Even if she can bear through the 2 weeks... i doubt i can, will be missing her every single day, hr, min, sec...

She's that special...

P.S. I LOVE YOU

2011-07-16T19:55:00.002+08:00

I met a girl lately, she's real sweet, lovely and beautiful..
but she's always angry with me, any kind soul able to tell me why is she behaving this way ?

She read my blog and soon after, she wants me to call her nothing but her name ...

Right now she's my everything, but i ain't any of her life...

2011-07-16T13:53:00.000+08:00

I fell in love lately....

2010-12-19T23:59:00.002+08:00

TIME TRULY FLIES WITH A BLINK OF EYE

sometimes it just seems like i have got no one to turn to, or speak to.
it seems like there's absolutely no one that i am able to speak to, and it just seems like i am hanging off the hook by my heart and there's a feeling there i hate most

Years has passed and it seems like the relationship within my family hasn't gotten any better and why does it have to be this way of all ? of all the times i kept trying my best to help speed up the process of patching things up and up to my disappointment it had never gotten any better . In fact it's worst.

Dad's condition's getting worst, and i have got no idea when's he's going to get better.
I just hope that somehow or another that he will be able to get a home soon so that things will better i guess... am sick of all the quarrels etc...

Working in ARMY is hectic at times but it's alright i guess..... many times i tend to ponder if there's any chance of me succeeding outside of government sector ? it seems like only through qualifications that one was advance in their career faster than the other and why must it be this way ? it's a hard fact of life...

and when will things be getting any better ? I WANNA EARN MORE MONEY, A CAREER WHICH I LOVE TO BE IN AND $$$$$$ .....

2010-09-11T02:42:00.001+08:00

lately have been of total exhaustion,
working everyday since 30th aug till now and it wun stop till the 17th of sept ...

i wonder if things are going to be better ? or the worst has yet to come ?

the eye bags are getting darker , and exhaustion's settling in ...

i wonder i wonder i wonder ...

2010-08-23T01:47:00.002+08:00

the past months have been tiring , although i am just done with a full week of leave(but instead of enjoying was recovering from a terrible illness)

i wonder how would things be in the near future ?

hmmmm .....

2010-06-30T00:31:00.000+08:00

feeling so awkard suddenly, that somehow life seems so boring suddenly

nothing much ....

2010-06-21T02:11:00.003+08:00

it seems like life have been kinda boring, army kinda took away the once exciting life i had ... it seems now the best place to be in is either home (watching plenty of movie/drama) or in camp working like a workaholic , meeting up with brothers and friends no longer part of the past regime we had which revolved around gaming mah jong bball, cycling and having heart to heart talks. the past of working odd jobs together no doubt brought back little income for us , nevertheless, life was plentiful and enjoyable. now it's drinking or a short supper together .

i guess i have to admit that everyone, all of us have grown up and our own responsibility is the top concern at the moment. sometimes we are too busy to even met up a for problem/trouble sharing session ..
it's a fact that life have changed for all of us and it will be worst as we age on.

with another blink of an eye brothers will slowly start their family and walk the path.

this path currently is lonely... very

somehow i hope i can study anytime soon but the fact that grades were rock bottom and ranking isn't that good, part-timing would be of the only solution for the time being .
it's hard to juggle between work and studies... and i wouldn't wanna get back to it again. the exhaustion/mental stress/ and the impact on the physical :(

going to that extrme , means abs. no time for family, friends and etc ..

it's kinda fustrating isn't it ?

i believe someday things will work out, I JUST NEED TO START WORKING ON MY DREAMS AND THOUGHTS instead of just planning and no execution

....................

2010-06-16T21:28:00.002+08:00

i'm back....
i wonder who's passer by and someone . oh well, to passerby, my birthday wasn't that great, but it's fine. someone - thanks for your comments and thoughts and greatly appreciate that :D
4 months had months had past and time do truly flies with a blink of an eye though.
have already commission and posted to my new unit, and it has been great! at least better than OCS i guess...
i wasn't prepared to commission as an officer as life would totally be different, as in an over-night kinda thing.

first we were cadets taking instructions and next we are commissioned officers the very next day and giving instructions. oh well i guess i managed that part of cultural shock and so did my fellow course mates.
months had past and there's quite an amt of things and lessons, experiences that i've encountered and learnt, quite a load-full .

GUARDS CONVERSION COURSE was from 25thmay to 10th jun, it was tough and challenging, but i went thru it and hence i'm a GUARDSMEN now :D

attended my elder bro's wedding and was happy for him, an elder brother of mine happily married , LOVE HIM SO MUCH and if only dad could stay thru his wedding.
my relative were all asking... "des, so when's your turn ?" gosh, all i can say is i dunno i dunno and i dunno cos right now i'm single :D
but all i know is mine would be a nice, romantice, beautiful military wedding and it will be in fullerton(u get what i mean) :D

oh ya! did i mention my sis grad from poly ? yup she did , and i'm happy for her too.

this family is totally out everywhere we hadn't spent a nice time together like those of memories many years back ... if only, my family could come back one day to really be able to get along well, and laugh at every single matter laid out.
everyone's keeping things to themselves and the family has lost its joy and laughter since the many years back.

i hope there will be a solution for me soon...

work's getting smoother and i hope someday somehow, i'm able to prove my worth, though it had been proven during my course, but i wanna it to be bigger.
who isn't greedy and hungry for the word success and accomplishment...

2010-02-26T21:49:00.003+08:00

i'm feeling extremely down for the past weeks ....
negative feelings all day long
i can't seem to take it anymore
i ain't able to keep my cool anymore

esp the past 5 months since i got in here
i really hate this place

all this years no matter what i did, i've never been appreciated .
it only came back with negative feed backs , back stabs etc

i've been doing shit here for the past 5 months , and seriously ,
i learnt nothing . nothing at all to apply when i get post to my unit
while i'm doing shit loads in the dark quietly ... others are claiming credits in the lime light
denied of chances to outshine .
goodness sake , i'm a regular yet i'm only given 1 fuking appt thru out
yet others get plently of appts ...field appt/ admin etc ... to prove their worth .
it's ok . leave the sword out.

i've been practising and learning for the place as a parade commander for my commissioning parade , i brushed up on my commands and drills .
yet when our sir came today and ask the platoon who's still in the run for the parade commander, my name wasn't mention. i feel so transparent

why do everyone have to always look down on me... the fuking things i do .
i ain't any lousier than them, i'm pretty sure of it. pretty sure ....
is it because i wasn't in this wing from the start ? and got posted here from sierra after service term ? and cos i ain't from jc too ?

i've been feeling so lonely ... so emotional... negative ...disappointed ... sad..
my threshold have depleted alot ... simple things piss me off
i've reached the lowest pt of my life again ...
i wonder when will it get better again???
what should i do ?
what can i do ?

who on earth will understand how i feel, right now ?

2010-02-22T05:50:00.002+08:00

came back on sunday morning from confinement and decided to make a trip to church met wei yi for movie
and waited for dad to be back so that i can use the car =/
picked ben down to his place as he was late , we were gonna ball at yishun anyway
too long since we played ball, hence ? we lost terribly lol... but it was fun playing ball again as a team ...
good old days

had dinner with wei yi while ben was home eating dinner with family
emilynn suddenly texted me that "hope u have a good dinner later"
was shocked, happy, delighted! :) ... cos i have been waiting for her text for a long long time ... i miss her :(
i wonder if her eyes' alright ? i wonder if she resting well , i'm wondering everything about her . i hope she changes her mind and take me back. and have a fresh start . And this time no more temper and will be replaced by conversation ... miscommunication was the key failure besides my temper ...
i hope GOD grant my wishes ..
for emilynn and i
for dad to get a place ... our home (4 room flat :))
hope dad will have no more pains and have proper rest when he needs .
and hope some wealth will roll in to help us out (toto ? will give it a shot )

i miss u emilynn
i love u a hell lot
i love u dad
i love my siblings

i love u all :D

DES.MATT

2010-02-20T22:34:00.002+08:00

months have past and comms parade seems to be closer everyday...
i'm amazed by how fast time flies , it seems only only days back that i was enlisted .
it seems just a week back, that i got together with her . and seem only ytd that we broke up.no matter how things seems to be/improve , it only gets worst in the end .
yes yes , i do miss her. who wouldn't ? i mean, when u have had such a loving gf yea yea?

oh well, it has all gone . ALL GONE , she told me... she will never come back.

for the past 4 months ben had been working, it seems like he's des.matt no.2 , miss my brother so much .we hardly had time to talk , let alone out to dance or have a few rounds of drinks. alcohol makes the world go round .

hadn't met 'HIA DI' for sometime too , our timings had always clashed for some reasons or another ...
everyone has different way of life now .
one would prefer thai disco
one would prefer chinese pub at boat quay
the other would prefer clubbing
and the last would prefer some chill slack place

for me ? things goes according to my mood

seeing those around me celebrating their very own birthday
i wonder how's mine gonna be like ?
will it be like theirs ? fun, enjoyable, with lots of ppl coming by to enjoy together and make the birthday girl/boy happy ?
or will it be another day out alone by the park or at work ?

i wonder when would things reach for the better ?
i can't do it alone.
lonely lonely lonely ...
i miss ma life!

GUARDS conversion should be in brunei this coming april i guess ...

i hope life will be better when i graduate from course ... ha...

I DUNNO WHAT I WANNA IN LIFE ANY 'O' MORE ....

Send someone to love me
I need to rest in arms
Keep me safe from harm
In pouring rain

Give me endless summer
Lord I fear the cold
Feel I'm getting old
Before my time

As my soul heals the shame
I will grow through this pain
Lord I'm doing all I can
To be a better man

Go easy on my conscience
'Cause it's not my fault
I know I've been taught
To take the blame

Rest assured my angels
Will catch my tears
Walk me out of here
I'm in pain

As my soul heals the shame
I will grow through this pain
Lord I'm doing all I can
To be a better man

Once you've found that lover
You're homeward bound
Love is all around
Love is all around

I know some have fallen
On stony ground
But Love is all around

Send someone to love me
I need to rest in arms
Keep me safe from harm
In pouring rain

Give me endless summer
Lord I fear the cold
Feel I'm getting old
Before my time

As my soul heals the shame
I will grow through this pain
Lord I'm doin' all I can
To be a better man

2009-10-26T00:24:00.007+08:00

it's been a long time since i last update this blog hmmm ...
lately i've been filled with many unforseen problems , emotionally unstability
i wonder what on earth is happening to me ?

many things are ging on my mind..... i guess it's plenty
plenty plenty plenty

got to know this guy named BEN months back thru a friend named marvin
we were first just normal bball friends, those kind of street aqquaintance?
overtime we met , and became good friends , started knowing each other better over time
thru bball, hmmm ... he brought me to club in malaysia , and the guys out there taught me how to dance..
and i kinda like it ..
lately POWER HOUSE have been a place i would go piur out ll my emotions thru dancing with my brothers , and i will feel good ..
dancing dancing and nothing but dancing

seeing girls in club doesn't really make me so WOW! like how the other guys would ...
ever since my last relationship, i'm starting to have the phobia and fear for girls ...
not saying i'm gay but yea ... haha

show u guys my brothers....

this are my brothers ... they bring me back onto my feet ... making my life a little better ... a step closer to the old desmond ... the true desmond

i miss nightlife .... so fucking much ....

hmmm i kinda miss my life in the past ..
army ... really make me so dull and serious ...
i realised one thing , when i'm smiling always... there will always be remarks ..
REGULAR STILL NOT SERIOUS ... ALWAYS SMILING
sick and enough of it ... i changed unknowingly ....

suddenly i miss her , And i know we can't be together .....
my career is my priority but well, i thank u so much girl, u made me happy last time ..
very very happy truly madly deeply do ...
and if need me to say , i truly love u so much when we were together

i'm sorry my temper was really bad , and i neglected u so much when i was focusing so much on work work and work ....

I REALISED I CAN'T SEEM TO CONTROL MY TEMPER ANYMORE .... i just hoping career will turn out fine , i can get my studies done soon ... and yup
if i have better luck , maybe some girl might step into my life ? =D
i'm waiting ... what a nice "dreams"

2009-09-22T16:06:00.002+08:00

just talk to alwyn(lta)

he told me , my strength's my weakness only when i'm able to over come my weakness, then there will be my strength

he always told me "jian dan jiu shi mei (simplicity is beauty)"

he told me to be confident and do what i normally do, even before all those crabs/senior officer

i must learn to think of ppl mindset/thinking/what's going on their mind

i mus learn to make painful decision to have something sacrificed for something to succeed...

i must know what i'm thinking, there after things will take place by itself

he mentioned my desire to win and outshine everyone is so strong that it became my weakness

i hope i will get things right by PRO TERM

i'm in doubt of my own capabilities

he told me that i wasn't involved in platoon's exercise and was to be enemy and do someting totally not in the same lvl or path with the rest cos i was the driving force behind them . he took me out to see my mates could handle stuff without my presence, unfortunately he said... they couldn't ...

i hope one day i can be stronger, sand pull everyone along with me to be stronger ...
i wanna be recognised ........................

2009-08-26T23:46:00.002+08:00

fyck up day
spent the whole damn day planning from morning till evening
was the last group to present my mission plan

wing 2 didn't even see it and name every single negative comments about it ... how it couldn't work and stuff

popped me a question which i can't answer and asked me to elaborate my attack plan, which i didn't get what she wanted moreover without my ppt slides ... screwed ...

2009-08-18T22:43:00.002+08:00

today's post is specially for someone special to me ...

LIM KE XIN , EMILYNN...

OUR BIO-DATA ...

got attached : 20th april 2008
broke-up : 26th may 2009

this girlfriend of mine , have been the best .
too bad , i wasn't attentive enough , sensitive to her feelings and thoughtful enough . i lost her away to someone else who was able to do what i couldn't do

she was the best ! seriously , no one knows her better than i do , no one regret more than me , no one thinks about her more than i do, I'M VERY VERY SURE . BECAUSE i'm able to tell everyone out there that she's in my mind heart and soul every single moment... sec, mins, day, week, month ever since i knew her

it was just that i didn't show it out but kept it deep down in my heart... i didn't let her know

my bros know me the best!

guys doesn't like their girl to club that's why they dun allow their girls to club.
1. i was afraid i ain't good enough and she will leave me for another guy if i allowed to keep clubbing or work night life (guys will always approach girls esp when the latter are beautiful just like my ex .... but she's still my baby ...)

2. i'm worried for her as i'm not with her and i wouldn't know what's going to happen , i'm too protective over her
after seeing so many fights going in nightlife . i was simply AFRAID

A. i didn't gave her the reason why i dun allow her to club, but she still could understand how i feel. though when we quarrel she will club. she's different , she clubs cos she loves to dance and dancing helps de-stress for her .

B. which girl would travel all the way down to the bf's workplace , when she has school the next day or work at 9am ? my baby did , she would come down after 12am normally with hot steaming supper for me , cos she was afraid i would be hungry and she misses me so much she wanted to see me . she's much better than all those out there. it was always surprise and unfortunately , she normally would wait for an hour before she could surprise me when i'm about to smoke. the longest she waited 12am till 4am ... now tell me which girl can be better than her ?

C. she would always send me to work and get home by herself no matter how tired is she . she would also wait till 6 am by her phone no matter how tired she was and what time is school or work , so that she couold hear my voice .

D. which girl can tolerate a man's temper as bad as mine ? unfortunately ... very little

E. she stayed awake thru oput the night when i was really sleep , wiping me down with a washed warm cloth , taping me to sleep ?

F. would be worrieid if i have enough money, hence would always wanna pay her share in everything . she's worried if i had enough sleep, taken my meals bla bla bla . she understands me , hence she would always make the effort to travel down, from amk to tampiness, 1 hour plus of bus train bus and walking distance. she would wait patiently for my call when i wake up.

there are many more, A to Z will not be enough though ..
cos she has been the most wonderful girl in my life ...
and I REALLY DO LOVE HER ALOT EVEN TILL NOW...

ppl...i have been begging her to come back but it seems i'm too useless...

i'm a bad bf ...

i'm really to change and i'm changing to be a better man

i want her back
i wanna show her everything that's in my heart and mind

i'm not going to keep ot anymore

i need you back ...
u complete my life baby ...
i really mean it

2009-08-03T06:34:00.002+08:00

GOOD MORNING

6:40 am already gonna leave for field camp soon
haiz ... i'm so kinda tired dunno why
perhaps i hadn't had enough rest
the weekend wasn't that great though was waiting for my dad to wake up
so that i could send him to the hospital to see a doc regarding his serious
back problem
oh well , he fell down from a coconut tree when he was plucking a coconut
and landed on his back...

oh well he never woke up so i slept at 2 plus so that anytime he needed me to send him to cgh

am damn worried about him now ...

sun morning drove to grandma house to pass sis my results so that she would be able to help me make enquiries on my results ... hope it can be done soon and would raise my gpa higher so that it would be easier for me to get into a uni...
oh well grandma's happy that i've signed on and she asked me about my studies

i hope there would be enough money for me to further my studies ... oh well....

after that went to pick lincoln up skin and yang to go pasir ris sheng song to buy my stuff... they wanted to come along too ... hmmmm
bought my stuff and went to loyang tua pek gong to pray with them...
asked for blessings on my trip and to quickly help me recover from that stupid injury which i have no idea how it came about ...
dad's back pain to soothen ...
for my ( ex :( ) baby to study hard and not drink so much ... i miss her so much and how i wish we could get back together again ... after all this while i still love her so much

i'm sorry i've tried not thiniking about her or it ... but it never seems to work ... i guess i love her too much . but she did mentioned... we ain't able to be together again ... i was too late... hope that guy treat her better than me ... but the best would be she coming back to me thou ...
i'm sorry i keep mentioning things regarding us , i tried but it failed , i love u too much and i still have that hope and believe u will come back to me and change your night life drinking / clubbing habit cos baby ... it ain't gonna help u, u will harm your health . i'm worried emilynn i love u too ...

i asked for my career too, to make it more smooth sailing , and for me to progress the ranks as fast as possible

to gain an entry slot for my uni ...

and my leg to last thru the 10 days field camp ...

i'll and will be able too... but i'm afraid my leg can't take it

i wanna get everything fast and make my dad retire and help my sis and da ge if they need anything ...

i'm worried yet again that i will failure

des.matt's afraid of failure .......

SIGH

2009-07-31T20:31:00.002+08:00

sometime since i last bought ... lately things haven been going on for me
i do realised my temper.... i've not being able to change it as much as i can ..
but all i know i am trying hard to change my temper.... seems as if it's starting to build up back again

i'm finding the best solution to divert it away

.... hmmm... when i said "i guess i still miss her ..." it means that i do miss her after all and not 'i think ' ...
damn sianz ...

my fuking leg is gone ... my both knee hurts so much that i could hardly bend it...
my ankle hurts so much :( that i ain't able to walk stand run or sleep ....

i hope it recover soon, i dun wanna anything to happen to me

but ... i'm not gonna give up
despite the pain i 'll bandage my ankle and knee tightly so that i can perform in next week's section field camp, i'll GO THRU IT! if i miss it .... i'm dead ... ppl!!! i so wanna recover soon

i still miss her alot and love , it's still affecting me so much ... so much so i can't concentrate

i didn't concentrate enough , what happen ?
i let my emotions rule over me , i finally understand that it will destroy me

it's starting to ...

my mind have been wondering about for the psat 2 weeks, so much so i haven been paying attention to classes and lectures and practices ...

i didn't get the chance to fire off the claymore mine once a life time :( :( :( tsk ...
haiz ... i'm FUCK UP

when there were only 6 to fire off the metador i was one of the top 6 ... 3 desmonds and others
this time ... 2 desmond ... excluding me :(

haiz... sigh ... so so sad ...
my life , screwed by my own hands!!!!

when she mentioned to me ... that she realised she had been missing out so much in life .
and ya true girl, i was able to say i can have any girl anytime .

tt was me last time . but i hope u know and understand that because i love u so much i didn't wanna upset or let u down.

I KEEP OUT OF CONTACTS FROM ALL OF THEM! I DELETED THEIR CONTACTS, I REFUSED ALL MEETINGS AND IGNORED ALL CALLS AND MSGES ...
i guess it's too late to say anything or it's useless already
because she found someone better than me and nicer to her

my TEMPER destroy this relationship ... suck right i'm fuck

i hope she's happy now ...

and i also realised i failed to understand the need to explain everything to her ... it's too late

too late to apologise ...
it's too late

DES.MATT'S A GONER ..... =)

2009-07-23T17:15:00.003+08:00

u made me like a fool all this while
i was a fool to come back and beg u to come back to me
i changed
i remained cool and silent
i controlled my temper
i placed aside ego and pride
allowing u to treat me like fuck
some nobody fuck

I GIVE UP
i'm out of your life
yes it's hard i know it's hard for me
but with u treating me like fuck
it's far worst
i'm off

go be with your fucking ccb thai useless crybaby fuck!

2009-07-22T18:57:00.002+08:00

it has been a long time since i last update this blog , it has been manys months since i last update , too many problems in such a short time ...
time again and again, i can't seem to take things into my own hands now
it's too much for me to handle, simply too much
I 'M FREAKING OUT !

i miss bartending , it's has got nothing to do with except bartending
mixing of drinks , doing waterfall, flairing

somehow i just feel like giving up now, life seems so meaningless, i have many plans
many dreams and many goals

it seemed so possible and realistic... right now? pointless and it can't be done that easy

she left me
she's out of my life
i need her
i love her
i miss her
she's in my heart
all the time
this time
i really tried....
life's so pointless
so meaningless
she was what i worked towards too
now she's ain't by my side
i'm falling
deeper and deeper everyday
every single day
she refused
and she ain't interested
she ain't coming back anymore
back to my side
to be my goals
my dreams
my HAPPINESS .....

i just feel like giving up, i've no one to turn to
what shall i do ?
i'm FUCKED

2009-06-18T06:29:00.002+08:00

7 months since i last post ... i'm single now
cos i blew my top ... my temper's so bad .
i doubt anyone could take it
somehow i tried to talk things out but ...
*tsk* ... it 's already over , no use talking about it
i guess i still love her , and miss her ... MAYBE ....

oh well, i've been out of action from nightlife and i'm happy i could get back to work for just 2 days
even though it's just 2 days but i guess it's great ?

ARENA CAN'T BE COMPARED TO THE DAYS IN FORBIDDEN CITY

seriously it can't be compared at all ... those days were much more happening and i miss it so much
the guys whom went thru all kinda of shit together
the flair practises we had ... are all gone ...............

signing off

des.matt *TSK.........*

2008-11-25T12:51:00.002+08:00

25th november...
fuck up day
i dunno why but it seems just tt

i feel so hopeless so useless ...
it's worst than anything , esp when your world just come crashing on you .
esp when u know that you can change certain things but you just simply carn
tt's when the word useless and hopeless comes in ...

i miss my baby girl so much ... so much till the extend i just feel empty
i work and work none stop , to the extend i'm feeling so tired , exhausted , and screwed up. . .
i always wanted to accompany my baby , but i 've got no time for her .
the word going out doesn't seems to have any impact on me .
all i always wanted was just to chill and relax at home

i really wanna go out and spend the time with baby
but it seems no matter how hard i try to control my temper ,
it just seems to have failed
i'll be scolding baby like mad , busting out my temper all at her .
i feel so ... (words just can't describe how i'm feeling)
baby and i were quarrelling yesterday and i admit that it's really a small matter but i made it big ...
baby can't take it anymore and she mentioned break up
i seriously do not know what i should do
i really love her and want her to be with me

but... but i kept thinking when she said she was feeling sad everyday i felt screwed .
i felt so useless and i'm still now ...
in this world which boyfriend whom loves his girlfriend so much would be having his gf sad everyday
tt guy must be an asshole
and SADLY.... I'm TT ASSHOLE ..

i really wanna make her happy , i've tried but it doesn't seem tt way at all ... TSK TSK

i miss my sworn brother ,

no.2 cried so badly because of tt fuck up bitch who treated him like fuck .. i shan't voice out the entire story but she's just fucked up i so wish to give her a peace of my mind. but i know, he wouldn't wanna it to be that way...
i'm useless , i couldn't help him feel better ...

no.3 cried badly , cos when the youngest of us hia di was beaten up badly in front of his eyes , he didn't do anything to stop ... or help... i understand how he feels , at that point of time he was plain shocked and didn't know what to do . and now the distance between us have lengthen .. so much till it's unexplainable ...
he still blame himself till today .

i promised myself that no matter what happen the next time i'll leave work and rush down to help them because it's because of them i hadn't been feeling lonely and able to live life till today .

i cried ... cos i was hopeless i couldn't made no.2 feel better ... i felt useless cos when no.5 got beaten up so badly i was working and unreachable . i 'm the asshole who's unable to make his gf happy ... there's work and family tsk. it have reached my limit i dunno what to do ... ... ... anymore

i lost myself ....................................................

FUCK MY LIFE

2008-07-04T05:28:00.002+08:00

3rd july.

school's ending soon next month. time's moving so fast tt i could hardly take note of.

school's ending ns is coming.sometimes how i wished i could have completed ns. so tt i can be focyusing more on stuff

baby's my sweetest baby. forever whining and whining but i still do love her so much. cos she's my baby.
it hurts me so much to see her go thru so much shit yet there's nothing i can do abt it.
BECAUSE I AIN'T FREE
sometime how i wish i could just ask GOD to stop time for me. so tt i could accompany baby for a little while more.
i'm always tired. moody. lazy. exhausted is the word. it sux yea!?! when u really want to be with the one u love most. yet so much shit happen and u din even noe u did stupid things till u realised much much later when deepest hurt have been caused.
SUCK!

BABY all i just wanna say is i'm with u.

I WILL BE NEXT TO YOU TO HOLD YOUR HAND THROUGH THIS DARKNESS PATH SO THAT YOU WOULDN'T BE FEELING LONELY

I WILL BE BEHIND YOU, PREPARING TO STOP AT ANY MOMENT JUST TO CATCH YOU FALL WATCH YOUR BACK. AND BE YOUR SUPPORT IS ANYTHING HAPPENS.

I WILL BE IN FRONT OF YOU BABY, SO THAT I BE YOUR SHIELD BABY

I WILL BE UP ABOVE YOU SO THAT I COULD SHINE THE PATH FOR YOU. BE YOUR VERY OWN LIGHT WHICH WILL SHINE THE DARKNESS AWAY.

I 'M ALWAYS HERE BABY. I LOVE AND MISS YOU SO MUCH DEAREST

2008-06-04T07:15:00.004+08:00

4th june 08

when all i wanted was to chill, and have fun chatting with shaiful. the bar got slammed with plenty of orders but this time, it's bar orders. i've got cust standing by the bar ordering their drinks none stop and tt gave my work some thrill... it's like finally. i enjoyed working seriously though it was a little tiring but time seemed to passed so fast. by the time i take a look for time. it was already 2:30. finished work at 3am, went home bathed and changed. preparing to slp but somehow , i couldn't slp at all. seriously it sux, it seems like i had slept for hours but in fact it was onli an hour plus since i dozed off, for some unexplained factors, i couldn't sleep at all, i woke up feeling sad. a feeling tt hadn't came by for a very long long time. decided to have a walk and breather take a slow walk down to the coffeeshop. thought of having something light and chill.

who who was it that i met. a very old time neighbour uncle, dated back a whole solid tough 12 yrs back when my parents divorced and had the flat sold. we were so happy to see each other after a year plus(since mum's wake ) . he left shortly after.

wildly thoughts started invading my mind NONE STOP . how i wish i could live back tt memory when i was a child going to neighbours hse to play enjoy n have some undeniable fun ?? how i wish i could have stop my parents from divorce. how i wish i could do something so that mum wouldn't pass away ? i wish mum alot, my siblings ALOT. where there are ppl who have a complete family yet they do not appreciate . both parents alive yet they think life's tough for them n they gave up, siblings to be ard them most of the time, yet whinning away to outsiders abt how bad they were, why do ppl who have everything whine and whine, when there are ppl yearning for it.

i carn find words to express how much i really want it to happen. i would only say i gladly give my life up for my family to stay as a whole. how i wish to have tt FAMILY once more. it is so devastating . i dunno to cry or to laugh.

right now i feel as though my heart have been so shattered, as though a piece of glass fell from a point so high, it broke into pieces so fine tt can be hardly seen , n being rampange upon by a hugh stampede . it sucks. it's so hard sometime to stop my tears from flowing, but i told myself i have to be strong =)

but i do thank GOD for everything, he must have put us thru all this hardship so as to be stronger . i THANK HIM =) ( BLESSING IN DISGUISE )... if never for all this, would i have been wad i'm if those tt i had asked for were granted to me ? I DOUBT SO...

i miss baby alot , i'm so afraid she would leave me someday , she's so nice, so sweet , loving , caring etc etc (if i could i would say she score a 10 apoint 10). but no one's perfect but nvm she's near to perfect , a 9.5/10.

i'm not richer compare to her previous
i'm not sweeter compare to her previous
i'm not kinder compare to her previous
i'm not as free compare to her previous
i'm not as lovely compare to her previous

BUT....

for sure

I LOVE HER MORE THAN HER PREVIOUS

2008-06-01T06:43:00.002+08:00

31ST MAY 2008

kinda tiring but also sad. yet another barman leaving the BAR and a new guy coming in.
should i be staying at ARENA or hop to CHINA ONE if the chance comes upon me should i or should i not ? really in a dilema...
damn it i hate this feeling
i wanna get reach soon and retire fiancially in some yearz to come but am i able to ? it's kinda hard . AM I RIGHT ? i believe i can do it, here's the chance, i need confidence tt's wad i need.

Work was kinda busy todae, kinda fun, enjoying. but the long hectic que never seems to stop seriously. i kept thinking of BABY :(
was wondering if she had enough sleep ? whether am i neglecting her ? i feel so bad, tt i left her alone most of the time yet i felt very uneasy whenever she mentioned she's going clubbing.

i trust her a hell lot. but i just simply dun trust the guys, u noe when they start drinking and see a girl dance they would definately wanna grind the girl. BABY's hot i have to admit, she has got the X factor. but tt's not the reason y i fell in love with her so deeply . it's just her character, soft, kind hearted careful loving... but forever tt emotionless face. BUT I STILL DO LOVE U LOTS MY DEAR :)

19th june's coming i carn help feeling uneasy. no confidence at all, i keep training flaring back with those bruised arms and legs(when accidents happen)
i wanna go to tt BAR perform in it, and let everyone out there know tt ARENA has finally got tt MAN who makes chilling by the BAR wonderful.

if only i could stop time just for a little while to spend time with baby. i really let her down =(

BABY I LOVE YOU.

p.s baby u mean so much to me even if i have to slp a little lesser i would just to see u. i love it when u smile. thanks baby!

2008-05-26T20:45:00.005+08:00

2008-05-21T05:40:00.002+08:00

5:40 AM i still carn seem to slp i wonder wadz happening to me right now.
total screwed up sleeping disorder!

baby came to find me ytd while i was at work, she seemed so tired, had headache and fever. i'm so touched she still came to look for me :)
love ya baby, pls rest well :(

i enjoyed my 1st month with baby, n we went out on the 19th since she was off and i was supposed to report to work at 9pm...
of cos things screwed up at home wasn't in a good mood and baby suffered from it. i carn seem to control my temper these days i truly sincerely wonder y...
am i getting from bad to worst ?
SIGH, i guess will have to change it back to normal before baby decides to leave cos she carn tolerate my nonsense anymore.
i miss baby so much.

BABY I MISS U :(

i have been flaring like mad these days while at work, putting new moves into my routine and i can say i got abt 5 flares ?
yup yup, work's tiring, school's stressful, but i guess it's all worth while. and wad more can i ask ?
i have the sweetest, lovliest, caring gf ever EMILYNN my baby :)

i wish we'll last i will put my best effort into it :)

i'm worried for my future ! =/ wanna make baby the happiest girl on earth, give her a comfy life, and my family too. but can i do it ?
YES I WILL. 'LL DO MY UTMOST BEST TO ACHIEVE IT =)

baby bought me first month present , a zippo lighter BABY I LOVE IT LOTSS!! LOVE YA HUN =)

sorry darling i couldn't get anything for u. thank u so much for being so understanding honey love ya

2008-05-20T01:05:00.002+08:00

MAY 20TH
our first month.
thank you so much baby :) it have been very nice, sweet loving time u gave me
understanding thoughtful and care u gave me
i hope it continues as long as GOD knows
baby i LOVE ya so much
it seems no matter how tired, down or fuck - up i felt. it seems u were always there for me my dear :)
thank u so much baby

i love you!

2008-05-16T05:31:00.002+08:00

finally i managed to find some energy to blog. like duh!

well well first of all baby and i started out on 20/05/08 ! =)
yup yup EMILYNN's my girl, baby, sweetheart, darling, dearie...
work have been so tiring esp after i took on the role of 2nd bar IC... oh it sucks terribly.
i have to stop being playful, stop doing all the silly stuff. have to act OLD :(
wad to do i'm the youngest in the bar. i'm like 20 and the next youngest would be like 22... damn damn damn
work and school it seems so easy. but it's really tiring. you wouldn't wanna live the life i'm living now. sucks! everydae with those aching backs, sores on the necks. wobbly legs. sleepy eyes.
no time even for baby :(
but i'm so glad baby's sooooooooooooooooooooo understanding.
thanks my dear :) love ya so much!

baby is so nice to me, coming to my work place to meet me for dinner . worst something she has to wait up to 30 mins like todae . sorry darling :(
had dinner with her, 2 sticks of cigg before i head back to work.
sometimes baby waited for me kinda long and all i could afford is tt 5 mins of smoke break and back to the bar .i miss baby so much really so much

BABY's the best!
1. she's sweet
2. she's understanding
3. she's loving.
4. thoughtful, caring, kind(so much so tt i get pissed :) ...)
5. always worrying for me, worrying tt my pocket would be tight. and we got to argue over the simplest things ' payment of food etc etc etc '
6. which girl would ever care if the bf is tired and need rest, not disturbing his slp but always ponder and hope for his presence. ( baby forgive me, i'm trying my best but it's not good enough :(... )
7. sleeps very little so as to accompany me when i have tt 24 hrs of day off.
8. massage me when i'm tired

gosh the list will get longer so i just have to simply stop typing. my fingers are tired =)

SIMPLY she's the nicest, best, sweetest girl :)

baby this is for you....

I'll be your dream, I'll be your wish I'll be your fantasy.
I'll be your hope, I'll be your love be everything that you need.
I love you more with every breath truly madly deeply do..I will be strong I will be faithful 'cos I'm counting on
A new beginningA reason for living
A deeper meaning
Chorus
I want to stand with you on a mountain.
I want to bathe with you in the sea.
I want to lay like this forever.
Until the sky falls down on me...
And when the stars are shining brightly in the velvet sky,
I'll make a wish send it to heaven then make you want to cry.
.The tears of joy for all the pleasure and the certainty.
That we're surrounded by the comfort and protection of..
The highest powerIn lonely hours
The tears devour you

Chorus
BridgeOh can't you see it baby?
You don't have to close your eyes 'cos it's standing right before you.
All that you need will surely come...
I'll be your dream I'll be your wish I'll be your fantasy.
I'll be your hope I'll be your love be everything that you need.
I'll love you more with every breath
truly madly deeply do...

P.S BABY I LOVE YOU =) i'm always missing u like mad....... :(

2008-04-26T06:18:00.001+08:00

friday night 25/04/08
the bar became chaotic from 9pm... very slam
of cos as usual customer offer drinks and bartenders get a little high :) all the bartenders to be exact... nice night to work

hmmm it's 26th now ... carn wait for the 5th man gosh

2008-04-23T03:37:00.000+08:00

it's wednesday already gosh ... hmmm i've been in a dilema recently should i work full time at arena if they offer me or should i just work 2 part time jobs ?
haiz... sadz ... stressed
school's cool

2008-04-22T01:27:00.002+08:00

first day of school, was looking forward to it. but yet disappointed again when the lecturer didn't teach much things. well wad can u expect when a person have been repeating the same thing over and over and over again for sems...

went out with yeo for interview at another bar. i wouldn't be leaving arena , i guess i'm able to handle 2 jobs from mon to sat which includes of cos! schooling :)
gonna be so darn tough man. money makes the world go round so how ? fuck it ENJOY LESS WORK HARD = MORE MONEY

yeap yeap, was a little disappointed with the pay... 6 bucks an hr but well i guess i will have to work my way up then...

i'm tired school's tmr

2008-04-19T07:42:00.002+08:00

another day has passed, yet too fast. i'm too tired

it's moving too fast and i'm 100% going mad. i 've been thinking abt my life, undoubtly seriously stressed about my future ? wadz my future gonna be..

i'm sure everyone had heard this song before (of cos i change some of the lyrics)

When I was ust a little boy,

I asked my parents what will I be?

Would I be pleasant, would I be rich?

here's what they said to me:
dear desmond desmond,What ever will be, will be,

The future's not ours to see,

dear desmond desmond,

What will be will be,

this song so simple yet it brings out the most impt element of life. the word 'FUTURE'.

it's so stressful, i wanna grow up with a stable and good income , just to lead a very comfortable life. things doesn't have to be the best. al i wish is just to be happy and comfortable. i wouldn't mind working tt hard for tt big amount of money. i wanna my family, dad, siblings to live a very nice life. can i do it ? i wonder...

i really ponder.

i'm so afraid so afraid tt i would fail in career and everything.

i'm afraid to fail in life.

todae fri. night , 18th april 2008. i didn't flair, i scrub and clean part of the bar up, when i finally finished, i felt a sense of satisfaction. as thou i had did a nice wonderful flair. it's so ... oh man i carn find the word to explain.

i met ABY, ex bartender of forbidden indochine years back, maybe 3 ? i was a small boy den, knowing nuts abt BAR. 3yrs past and i finally met him at arena, he went to japan to work as a bartender n his totally surviving perfectly fine over there ... he was very glad i grown up still a bartender and he said " gosh des, i couldn't believe u have grown up!" lol he still thinks tt i'm tt small young boy. i'm glad i have worked with all bartenders before

forbidden:

AM BOYAN

ABY

KYDD

DON

ZED

ZUL

FITRI

KHAIRUL

HANIS

HAIGAL

FISH

NESTOR

NASIR

SAM

CJ

SHAH

OG

DARREN

ZACK(EX CHINA JUMP)

it was them whom i learnt from bits and pieces to be wad am i todae

it's sat now. 19th april 2008 , there's gonna be a very huge event of 500-1000 pax.

BUT it's gonna really test my experience as a bartender.

FREE FLOW COCKTAILS! FUCK!

even though it's only 4 cocktails, it's gonna be a hell of a night. GEEZ

2008-04-04T01:05:00.001+08:00

hmmm... lately have the crazed for movie... yummy
my love would be relaxation in a movie theatre enjoying. not bad huh.
i started flaring in arena n
bring forward the legacy of the coolest show off

2008-04-03T12:28:00.001+08:00

fixed things up, that's wad some one told me.
how the hell am i gonna do it, she doesn't wanna meet up
only form of contact sms. no fone calls.
she changed
she wasn't like this before.
i screwed it up last few nights damn it. i'm screwed

2008-04-02T17:15:00.004+08:00

days have been great . just tt on tt special day when i celebrate the birth of myself, i was sick. yeo,chen da, daniel and shaiful gave me something funny to drink.
from the taste and look of it, should be heineken mixed with tiger, with gin , vodka,rum , tequila, tri sec, bouborn whiskey brandy with o/j, l/j,p/j and soda. i couldn't drink cos i was on medication so yup. daniel drank more me thanks buddy :) ...

random thoughts: hmmm I KEPT THINKING OF HER THOUGH ...

I MISS HER

People are often unreasonable, illogical & self-centred;
Forgive anyway
If you are kind, people may accuse you of having selfish ulterior motives;
Be kind anyway
If you are successful, you will win some false friends& some true friends;
Succeed anyway
If you are honest & frank, people may cheat you;
Be honest & frank anyway.
What you spend years building, someone could destroy overnight;
Build anyway
If you find serenity & happiness, they may be jealous;
Be happy anyway
The good you do today, people will often forget tomorrow;
Do good anyway Give the world the best you have, it may never be enough;
Give the world the best you have anyway
You see, in the final analysis, it is between you & God.
It was never between you and them anyway…

2008-03-29T06:31:00.002+08:00

thanks ppl for the wishes for my birthdae
thanks alot
thanks to my bros
my sis'
friends
and
not forgetting the girl whom i can't help falling in love with

when i read all those msges, i almost teared
cos i din expect anyone to rmb my b'dae but u guys did thanks!

to SALLY....i was on the transport back home and i heard this song which reminded me of u..
Do you feel me girl ?

BECAUSE I LOVE YOU by Shakin' Stevens

If I got down on my knees and I pleaded with you,
if I crossed a million oceans just to be with you
,Would you ever let me down?
If I climbed the highest mountain just to hold you tight,
if I said that I would love you every single night,
Would you ever let me down?
Well, I'm sorry if it sounds kinda sad,
it's just that I'm worried, so worried that you'll let me down.
Because I love you, love you, love you, so don't let me down.
If I swam the longest river just to call your name,
if I said the way I feel for you would never change,
Would you ever fool around?
Well, I'm sorry if it sounds kinds bad, it's just that
I'm worried, I'm so worried that you'll let me down.
Because I love you, love you.
Well I'm sorry if it sounds kinds bad, it's just that
I'm worried, Yes, I'm so worried that you'll let me down.
Because I love you, love you, Oooh, I love you, love you, love you.

2008-03-28T14:28:00.002+08:00

stop or cont ?
spare me the heart ache
it suck

how i wish 29th march doesn't come any sonner.
it's so meaningless already.

2008-03-25T07:43:00.001+08:00

DAMN IT HAHA

saw that sat there will another event

dunno wth is tt

ms earth singapore. means wad

busy like fuck

on 29TH MARCH SOMEMORE!!!!!!!

ANY IDEA HOW SPEECIAL IS TT DAY TO ME ?!?!?!?!

!@#$%^&*

2008-03-25T00:09:00.000+08:00

i miss u girl :(
i wonder what is there i can do
of cos i really wanna be with u
but it seems so impossible

2008-03-24T13:42:00.002+08:00

You're way too beautiful, girl,
That's why it'll never work.
You'll have me suicidal, suicidal
When you say it's over.
Damn all these beautiful girls,
They only want to do you dirt,
They'll have you suicidal, suicidal
When they say it's over.

See, it started at the park
Used to chill after dark
Oh, when you took my heart
That's when we fell apart
Cause we both thought that love lasts forever (lasts forever)
They say we're too young
To get ourselves sprung, oh
We didn't care
We made it very clear
And they also said that we couldn't last together (last together)
See, it's very defined, girl
You're one of a kind,
But you mush up my mind,
You often get declined,
Oh Lord, my baby's driving me crazy.

You're way too beautiful, girl,
That's why it'll never work.
You'll have me suicidal, suicidal
[ Lyrics found at www.mp3lyrics.org/an ]
When you say it's over.
Damn all these beautiful girls,
They only want to do you dirt,
They'll have you suicidal, suicidal
When they say it's over.

It was back in '99,
Watching movies all the time,
Oh, when I went away
For doing my first crime
And I never thought that we was gonna see each other (see each other)
And then I came out
Mommy moved me down south
Oh, I'm with my girl
Who I thought was my world
It came out to be
That she wasn't the girl for me (girl for me)
See, it's very defined, girl
You're one of a kind,
But you mush up my mind,
You often get declined,
Oh Lord, my baby's driving me crazy.

You're way too beautiful, girl,
That's why it'll never work.
You'll have me suicidal, suicidal
When you say it's over.
Damn all these beautiful girls,
They only want to do you dirt,
They'll have you suicidal, suicidal
When they say it's over.

Now we are fussing and now we're fighting
Please tell me why, I'm feeling slighted
And I don't know how to make it better (make it better)
You're dating other guys
You're telling me lies
Oh, I can't believe what I'm seeing with my eyes
I'm losing my mind and I don't think it's clever (think it's clever)

You're way too beautiful, girl,
That's why it'll never work.
You'll have me suicidal, suicidal
When you say it's over.

I'm way too cool for ya boy
That's why it'll never work
I'll have you suicidal, suicidal
When I say it's over
Damn all these beautiful girls
We're only gonna do your dirt
We'll have you suicidal, suicidal
When I say it's over
Yeah yeah I remember
when I was hanging with my friends
That's when I caught your eye
You thought that I was fly
Right then you wished that I would be your baby (be your baby)
You try to spit some game
Asking me girl what ya name
All that ice upon ya chain
So I asked you the same
Something tells me that
We'll have fun together (fun together)
I ain't easy to find
I'm a one of a kind
Oh when I dirty wine I know your only mine
Tonight is yours
Tomorrow's for another guy (another guy)
I'm way too cool for ya boy
That's why it'll never work
I'll have you suicidal, suicidal
When I say it's over
Damn all these beautiful girls
We're only gonna do your dirt
We'll have you suicidal, suicidal
When I say it's over
You've been calling me
Leaving messages all week cuz ya curiosity
Got ya knees weak
I'm not looking for a man
So I don't want no confusion (no confusion)
I took ya to the floor
Got ya begging me for more
But that was my queue to go
So I hit the door I left you hot
With your mind used to running wild (running wild)
I ain't easy to find
I'm a one of a kind
Oh when I dirty wine
I know your only mine
If you stick around
Be careful not to fall in love (fall in love)
I'm way too cool for ya boy
That's why it'll never work
I'll have you suicidal, suicidal
When I say it's over
Damn all these beautiful girls
We're only gonna do your dirt
We'll have you suicidal, suicidal
When I say it's over
Now a couple months have past
Never thought that this would last
Oh everybody asked
How ya got a girl like that
But you should've known
That nothing lasts forever (lasts forever)
I mash up ya mind
When I tell you lies
But boy don't be surprised
That I'm seeing other guys
I'm too young to settle
And you should've known better (known better)
Damn all these beautiful girls (you should have known)
We're only gonna do your dirt (cos I'll have)
I'll have you suicidal, suicidal When I say it's over

(I SING TO U GIRL, YOUR SMILE'S TOO ADDICTIVE TO ME)
Want to, but I can’t help it
I love the way it feels,
It’s got me stuck between my fantasy
and what is real
I need it when I want it, I want it
when I don’tTell myself
I’ll stop everyday, knowin’ that I won't

I got a problem and I don’t know what to do about it
Even if I did, I don’t know if I would quit but I doubt it
I’m taken by the thought of it, and I know this much is true
Baby, you have become my addiction, I’m so strung out on you
I can barely move but I like it

And it’s all because of you [3X]
And it’s all because…
Never get enough,She’s the sweetest drug

Think of it every second
I can't get nothing done,Only concern is the next time, I’m gonna get me some
Know I should stay away from, cause it's no good for me
I try and try but my obsession wont let me leave

I got a problem and I don’t know what to do about it
Even if I did, I don’t know if I would quit but I doubt it
I’m taken by the thought of it, and I know this much is true
Baby, you have become my addiction, I’m so strung out on you
I can barely move but I like it

And it’s all because of you (all because of you) [3X]
And it’s all because…
Never get enough,She’s the sweetest drug
Ain’t no doubt, so strung out [2X]
Over you, over you, over you
Because of you,
And it’s all because of you,
Never get enough
She’s the sweetest drug, she’s the sweetest drug

2008-03-24T09:25:00.002+08:00

monday blues....
i stumbled upon this from gillian's blog

Friends
Anyone can stand by you when you are right, but a Friend will stand by you even when you are wrong...

A simple friend identifies himself when he calls. A real friend doesn't have to.

A simple friend opens a conversation with a full news bulletin on his life. A real friend says, "What's new with you?

A simple friend thinks the problems you whine about are recent. A real friend says, "You've been whining about the same thing for 14 years.

Get off your duff and do something about it."A simple friend has never seen you cry. A real friend has shoulders soggy from your tears.

A simple friend doesn't know your parents' first names. A real friend has their phone numbers in his address book.

A simple friend brings a bottle of wine to your party. A real friend comes early to help you cook and stays late to help you clean.

A simple friend hates it when you call after he has gone to bed. A real friend asks you why you took so long to call.

A simple friend seeks to talk with you about your problems. A real friend seeks to help you with your problems.

A simple friend wonders about your romantic history. A real friend could blackmail you with it.

A simple friend, when visiting, acts like a guest. A real friend opens your refrigerator and helps himself.

A simple friend thinks the friendship is over when you have an argument. A real friend knows that it's not a friendship until after you've had a fight.

A simple friend expects you to always be there for them. A real friend expects to always be there for you!

i find this exceptionally true though, who's the simple and who's the REAL ?
in doubt ...

i slpt throughout the last 2 days
looking at my calender...DAMN IT TOMMORROW'S MY SUPP!!
argh!!!! have not even study a single bit damn it!

i miss my friends!
my brothers, bb 149, bb team, church besties , polo mates
ever since i started working in nightlife, none of you i have really met and have a nice good chat. argh

i do miss my family the most though..
mummy, diane, daniel, nicholas i how i wish i could spend time with you guys :D

S....S....S.... how i wish time could pass faster for me to see you soon ... i miss u

2008-03-23T15:00:00.002+08:00

yawnz yawnz yawnz
ytd was a fucking long night with fucking irritating customers whom refused to f uc ki n g que up.IDIOTS, but met some nice fellows though. cheers :)
free flow from 10pm to 1am that was a killer though, real killer.
worked none stop and only stop for 1 smoke break.
was on medication last night, and drank a little suffering from my stupid actions once again.

i kept yearning to see her last night :(
with her little fairy costume, she looked so... gosh cute sweet and lovely :(

I MISS HER BADLY NOW THOUGH...

wtf!!! somebody save me! DAD MADE ME HONEY LEMON WITH GARLIC THAT SUCK!!!!

ok back to blogging. count down next sat my birthdae :) , but carn enjoy it

free flow event yet again oh gosh...... ARGHHHHHHH
but well if i can get to see S... i guess it would be fine though no matter how tough it is

SLP SLP

2008-03-22T13:53:00.002+08:00

restless restless restless ...
couldn't get to work last night, geez. sianzation
somehow or another i had no strength , totally weak to walk.
in the end never work loh wad to do ?
10hrs of work= 70 bucks flew away just like tt.
means 7 packs of cigg= 70 bucks flew away. damnnnnn

weak weak, when will i ever get out of weak state. DIE SUA :)

recently i kept thinking alot
by the time i'm done with poly will be 20 half. after NS will aprox. 23
work 3 years to save up for degree= 26
after tt 3yrs plus/4 yrs will be 30
work to stablized income 31/32
wen will get married ?
put marriage aside, i guess someone with my temper , no girls will want.
i guess i would have to put it aside.
next when will i get a nice stable job of my interest and passion with nice pay
hard to fine

work work at 7pm....
wonder if i can last thru the nights

2008-03-19T22:38:00.002+08:00

it's march, and next sat would be my birthdae. hmmm doesn't seem anything much sometimes u know, it doesn't seems exciting to be reaching birthdaes when u noe u got to work. lol how nice and wonderful would that be
and besides i have been ill for the past 1 week or so. terrible and horrible
looks like there's some problems with me i guess.
i would even throw up water how terrible can it get. so afraid of eating or drinking anything right now. lost weight yet again. sianzation
hmmm
failed 2 papers, yea they were easy yet i couldn't pass them. funny.
i find it hard to study, i wonder y
anybody have any solutions ??
hehe
alright i'm off to study :)

2008-02-21T13:00:00.004+08:00

a blink of eye, it's already 10 days.
10 days just pass so quickly
gosh whats happening.
am i too tired working and schooling ?
life still has to go on
i'm struggling to pass my fucking exams. i hope i do with one shot. no more supp paper
supp sux.

i'm MARRIED to my lifestyle. yea i'm
i'm gonna have a show case , gonna start training like a mad man when exams are over
holy shit!
!@#$%^&*

lol
off to study, if only i was a super man
if only 4 hrs of slp everyday is sufficient for me

cheers!!

2008-02-11T08:16:00.000+08:00

BACK AGAIN
cny haven been great, started work on tue dots.
worked my way from tue,wed,thurs,fri and sat it was a hell out of a night
started from scratch, THE ARENA.
it brings me back all the way 2 years back when i was a bar back. but it isn't that tough, just that those sore aching arms body and legs are back. what to do, money is the key to everything in this world. but i'm glad after 1.5 months of not working, my speed , cust relation skills and had good tips from them which i shared with my fellow team mates.damn i miss forbidden so damn much.
i haven got to forget her, the big J.
i hope her cny was great
my wasn't , as after work i couldn't get to slp at all till 11am ? waking up again in the evening to prepare for work. well at least i got something to keep me busy with
back to good old days of working like shit, studying and acc friends and cousins for mah jongs and movie

MR BG T REFUSE TO PAY ME BACK I WONDER WHEN WILL HE :(

anyway forbidden bar crew , i had combined a good nice memorable flair video check it out

off to school

2008-01-27T03:59:00.000+08:00

do u know girl how much i miss u ?
the times before i slpt,
when i just got up
walking alone
or be alone .
every single time i just keep checking my hp to see if u did call or sms ?
but yet i dunno wad to say to u
i love u so much as before
we aren't together now but how i wish i could be with u once Again
i love to pat u to slp
but now i carn
i so miss those times
i love u and had always did love u baby girl

i heard there was another guy in the cab i got jealous
upset
is there anything i can do ?

2008-01-25T00:50:00.001+08:00

i decided not to argue with her any longer
it just hurts me
i want to delete her pics but i can't bear to
but when i look at it
my hearts hurts
wad should i do ?????????

2008-01-25T00:39:00.000+08:00

:(
i was told she went out with a guy few days back at tm
behaving very intimately
i'm pissed angry and sad
my heart broke into a million pieces and further pounded into powder
that's how i feel but i hope all the best for her
becasuse i still do love her

2008-01-24T05:32:00.000+08:00

we quarrelled again ytd guess i was too moody haiz
tsk tsk
i carn seem to control my temper nowadays
or is it that i'm just plain stubborn
i dunno how to tell her how much i love
it's seems that it's very hard to let go
but i hope she's still doing very fine
and hope she will be happy always

2008-01-23T01:25:00.000+08:00

haiz ... i think i'm mad...
sitting in front of the com for 6 hrs none stop playing one stupid game..
WARBOOK
in need of gold to the extend i have to go ard inviting anyone i see... every person i invite 25k gold ...

haiz , i try so hrad to forget u babe
but i carn :(

2008-01-22T13:25:00.000+08:00

i still love her alot alot , she asked to let her go but i really can't
i'm selfish, i admit .
because of wad i have done, it hurts her so much , even by the slightest contact she will only rmb the hurt that i gave her
i feel so....

tsk tsk

i guess i shouldn't be selfish and i should let her go
reaally should let her go
but HOW ?
the only way is the find another person, but it's unfair cos i'll be using the other party as a subsitiute to forget the one i love most
i hope there's other alternatives .
haiz

wad should i do ?

2008-01-21T01:22:00.000+08:00

all thanks to my stupidity
and cheers to terrence and his cousin
that guys should be flirting and not tend to have one gf
but neevr did it came to my mind and wonder
look at them how could they have had as wad they had boast about ?

i still love her really really do
no matter how much i blame and hit myself for the stupidity that i have
the naivness of mine, i can't get the feeling out
it suck really
i can't imagine doing those sort of stuff
how stupid i am
i really do love her
i'm not lying
ppl i swear i really do love her

2008-01-19T04:29:00.000+08:00

the days have been bad
i lost the girl whom i love most
i did wrong
i admit
grave mistakes
i'm regretful
i really hope she would come back to me
i love u dearest baby

2007-12-21T03:06:00.000+08:00

hmmm well well well
i guess i have been good of course la sometimes argue with janice and stuff
hmmm todae just brought my dad to see the feng shui master and of course my dad went thru the tarrot card same as me ..
dad was entirely surprised when the master told my dad abt my dad's thinking and the things he kapt in his heart always, his exact character and stuff ... hmmm surprising huh
hope HDB will loan my dad the money to buy a nice cozy home :)
hmm anyway
if anyone would like to consult the master
be it for your own future, studies or work ... can come find me .. i hope i can help .
PLEASE NOTE IF THERE'S ANY ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS OR FAMILY MEMBERS SUFFERING FROM TERMINAL ILLNESS I WOULD SINCERELY WANNA HELP U GUYS ALOT!!! THE MASTER WOULD TOO BE VERY HAPPY TO BE ABLE TO HELP ILLED PPL ... ESP STAGE 4 CANCER PATIENTS AND STUFF

MY EMAIL WOULD BE guardian_chua88@hotmail.com

email me alright if u would like to ask certain things...

GOD BLESS GUYS!

2007-12-13T08:20:00.001+08:00

DECEMBER 13TH 8.21AM

just studied thru the night
still studying though
work up at 5
started studying with members from 7
weet 13 hrs already time flies when u are doing something impt
yea!!! 24 more hrs till my baby is back!!!
planning to continue studying till 12... for my 12:30 paper and till 3 for my last paper at 3:30
den out with members till tmr!!!! and wait for darling to be back :)
of cos i didn't do solid studying i meant... hu will be able too ?
haha
downloaded some dj software and have been playing it for a while
chat with members and stuff
oh yea...
new members
zharan
faizan
ali
yazid
alan
haider

all bikers
i'm joining in soon haha
if dad allows me for a bike after my license
hmmm

i miss MY DARLING
TOO MUCH

the one and only
des.matt

2007-12-10T23:45:00.000+08:00

THIS IS DEDICATED TO MY SWEETEST GIRL IN LIFE

HONEY I LOVE U SO MUCH TILL NO WORDS CAN EXPLAIN

I'M MISSING U MADLY THAT NO ONE COULD UNDERSTAND

I HOPE THE DAYS WILL PASS BACK QUICKLY SO I COUD FETCH U BY THE AIRPORT

*HUGS* HONEY

I MISS U SO...

YOURS

DES.MATT

2007-12-03T16:08:00.000+08:00

GOOD NEWS ????
DES MATT IS GOING BACK TO FORBIDDEN!!! AND THIS TIME WITH BIG BANGS OF FLAIRS!!!

BACK TO POLO TEAM
I WILL BE BETTER STRONGER AND FASTER THAN THE FITTEST TIME WHILE I WAS IN POLO IN THE PAST

JANICE AND I ARE DOING GREAT WE WILL BE BETTER

MY STUDIES ARE COMING UP

I WILL CLIMB TT STEEPEST SLOPE ONCE AGAIN

UP TO FAME !!!

INDOCHINE FORBIDDEN CITY BAR COCOON

2007-11-29T03:22:00.001+08:00

FUCK YOU GOD!!! KILL ME NOW

2007-11-29T03:03:00.000+08:00

GOD kill me please
i wanna die
GOD destroy my soul pls
and let me die
GOD i'm not gonna suicide
but kill me pls some how or another
i wanna die

2007-11-28T21:09:00.000+08:00

what did i do ?
i didn't call and act pitiful
i dun act
all i wanted to know if she ate anything the whole day
but haiz
fuck
forget it

2007-11-28T12:37:00.000+08:00

woke up in a world of blurness
so tired yet carn slp
the whole world seems so different
i guess she made a great impact on me
i love her alot
i really do
sometimes i wonder how does lying leads
to flirting, i seriously dun understand .
went flaring ytd,trained with boyan, shamil, aza and kenny
i guess i perfect my 1 tin 1 btl routine
trying to upgrade to 2 tin 1 btl but its kinda tough
i kept thinking of her the whole night
with heavy hearts and mind
do u think i still got the mood t0 flare ?
i need the music , so tt i feel better
somebody kill me!
i dun wish to feel this sadness anymore

i'm being offered a part time job at mos, should i accept it ?

2007-11-27T20:53:00.000+08:00

27/11/07 8.53pm
still in lab trying to rush out the fucking cb report
damn tiring. whole day haven been good at all, surprisingly i'm so hungry yet no apettite

i think i'm screwing every thing up again
lies lies and lies
everything about me is lies
i always wanted to cover things up , u know
those little little stuff so tt ppl i love , i care for and i'm with will not be upset over such little things
and yet it got worst
lies is wad i have
but lying doesn't mean flirting, cheating or being a player
i'm not this kinda person
and will not be...
y ? ppl who have known me since young knows that i'm not like this
girl i do seriously love u alot
even though i dun really tear now but tt doesn't mean i'm not sad or down
i feel damn ... damn... fuck... forgotten abt tt word
it's not tt i'm acting innocent it's just me
everyone knows that when i love a girl i really do love her
suck!
i simply suck!
i lied to a point that she have this thinking tt i'm cheating behind her back
i dun go ard asking ppl for sex neither do i go around flirting
i know how to flirt it's just that it's not me
it doesn't worth anything
all i wanna do is to place effort in th9ings that i wanted them to be
i put effort into her so that there would be only us
efforts into studies so i could become someone better
i'm really lost right now
someone!
i really mean someone!!! pls come and guide me through all this shit
teach me
enlighten me how to be myself back den
the boy who knows of no temper
knows of no lies
wouldn't do any funny things
but then who can be here by my side ??

darling i really do love u alot ... really
i'm not lying
i guess i wun be slping tonite

meeting boyan for flair practise
and i hope some fine day i will be a respected flairer
and to work in clubs just to flair
like events...

des.matt
p.s janice pls come back

2007-11-08T06:30:00.000+08:00

home swt home
feeling much at ease and peace
to see her smiling so happily
i've never seen tt when i was with her
if only i could have her back
if only i could turn back time
if only she gives me a 2nd chance
if only.... she still loves me

but well, i enjoyed the short 3 hrs outing esp with her

2007-11-07T17:12:00.000+08:00

project is gonna be done soon
just the wiring part now
dunno y sudden urge of blooging ...y ?
it seems i have no one to turn to
suddenly i have the urge to cry again
i think i have let myself down very badly
very very badly
i feel so useless
i dun have that fighting spirit anymore
i wasn't like this is the past to give up hope so easily
i was the one who told ppl "hey, come on how can you determine the result without even trying ? try and if you can't i'm here for you no worries with a smiley face"
i was the one always with high hopes, bright future, distinction was all in my mind end up it's the other way round.

life is just like a very steep slope for me
i climb up that fucking slope for damn irritating and tiring 19 yrs
i just being misunderstood by every single one
and i mean every single one including the people i love most and that includes her
with that i fell right onto the ground with a
fuck! life sux
i wanna cry but who can i cry to ?!?
no one's by my side what worry me most would be my sister
i wanna be strong enough to take care of her
but it seems i'm just a useless fucker

mummy i really miss u alot
i cant believe i cried damn it !
i love u too daddy
i love u too mei n kor
i love u jan

:(

2007-11-07T12:57:00.000+08:00

wed morning suck ...the days oncoming i have got a feeling it suck to the core man... fuck!!!!
u know the feeling that's so low when u lie down to slp,
instead u found out at the end that u're still awake thinking of all the things that had happened in the past
the happiness and disappointments
quarrels and arguements , of cos the sadnes part of it would be missing the happy times of hugs chats laughter and heart to heart love
and of cos too!!! the regrets of doing things you shouldn't have done
someone come and kill me !
not slping for 36 hrs helps a little , too tired to think of anything , but of course this time if i get to get back with her, i sincerely will change for the better
really i promise

doing some fuck up project now that never seems to finished, and instead of cutting the damn bloody wires i cut my own fingers

dad's still ignoring me, and this time i will prove to him that jan is the best girl of my life
the girl who loves me as much as i'm towards her

i hope things will work out fine

lately i kept thinking of mum which i kept to myself, asking mum alot of things,
damn fuck i shan't type anymore

MOOD: FUCKED UP

Send someone to love me
I need to rest in arms
Keep me safe from harm
In pouring rain
Give me endless summer
Lord I fear the cold
Feel I'm getting old
Before my time
As my soul heals the shame
I will grow through this pain
Lord I'm doing all I can
To be a better man
Go EASY on my conscience'
Cause it's not my fault
I know I've been TAUGHT
To take the blame
Rest assured my angels
Will catch my TEARS
Walk me out of here
I'm in pain
As my soul heals the shame
I will grow through this PAIN
Lord I'm doing all I can
To be a BETTER MAN
Once you've found that SWEETHEART
You're homeward bound
Love is all around
Love is all around
I know some have fallen
On stony ground
But Love is all around
Send 'someone' to love me
I need to rest in arms
Keep me safe from harm
In pouring rain
Give me endless summer
Lord I fear the cold
Feel I'm getting old
Before my time
As my soul heals the shame
I will grow through this pain
Lord I'm doin' all
I can....
To be a BETTER MAN...

TO BE A BETTER MAN

2007-11-07T06:43:00.000+08:00

life really suck now
i'm totally lost right now except when i'm in school
i'm able to concentrate tt's just nice :)
the feeling
of lost is so strong that i carn with stand it
i have to control my temper and quit smoking if i want her back
it's so fustrating :(
b i love u

2007-11-05T23:57:00.000+08:00

the whole world came crashing on me
jan broke up with me yet again
ok this time i admit i'm fuking useless, nothing seems to be going right
everything suck
seriously suck
this time break up really did tore me down to pieces
what to do

the word sworn brothers??? bull shit!
sms all of them all never fuking replied at all
cal them not even one returned the fuking call
i'm fucking pissed ... pissed to the core
i dun think the word sworn brothers sould be used
i guess friends would be a better word

the world suck

2007-10-29T01:22:00.000+08:00

past weeks have been bad
life had been harsh on me
almost dropped out of sch but hey
i'm back!!! des.matt made a come back!
i thot and wished she would be by my sidethrough this oncoming hardtimes
but well she decided to leave me yet again
:(
the worstof my life
it's started again but this time is abt me sending a smile to a friend whom met 2 yrs ago
lost contact
in the end i was mistaken as hooking up another gal

BEHIND HER BACK

total fuck up
got accused like fuck

the girl i love most my most precious little baby
is the girl who hurt me the most with her actions, words and distrust

2007-10-18T16:56:00.000+08:00

I LOST THE MOST IMPORTANT GIRL OF MY LIFE
BABY I LOVE YOU SO
BUT IT LOOKS LIKE I SCREWED IT UP THIS TIME
I'M SORRY

THE PILLAR OF STRENGTH, LOVE AND HAPPINESS HAD RUN AWAY FOR SOME OTHER GUY :(

2007-10-12T02:47:00.000+08:00

worked at penny black todae damn.. so tired...
shouldn't have work
erm i m missing darlin very very much
i wanna hug her now if i could
i simply love her
well... anyway

gosh the flash made my darling who's fair to be white and me who's tan to be dark -.-

and guys this is my sweetest part of life
i wish it could continue as long as i'm here
baby u nver noe how much i love u , miss u and how much i wanna hug u

baby u are too good to be true

2007-10-11T06:07:00.001+08:00

went and saw this the other day
thru my sis-in-law to be's website and decided to check it out
the result

You are The Emperor

Stability, power, protection, realization; a great person.

The Emperor is the great authority figure of the Tarot, so it represents
fathers, father-figures and employers. There is a lot of aggression and violence
too.

The Emperor naturally follows the Empress. Like an infant, he is filled with enthuiasm, energy, aggression. He is direct, guileless and all too often irresistible. Unfortunately, like a baby he can also be a tyrant. Impatient, demanding, controlling. In the best of circumstances, he signifies the leader that everyone wants to follow, sitting on a throne that indicates the solid foundation of an Empire he created, loves and rules with intelligence and enthusiasm. But that throne can also be a trap, a responsibility that has the Emperor feeling restless, bored and discontent.

What Tarot Card are You?
Take the Test to Find Out.

hmmmm yea... so i guess tt explain everything ..
and well ... i have been out with darling for the past few days everything have been great!!!

i will upload the pics when i could now blogger having some stupid probs ...
gonna shift to a new web site soon

2007-10-05T04:28:00.000+08:00

here i'm ... back to home swt home after a long long day ...
well well ..
todae have been esp tiring cos i drank alot at work
now i'm fine
wasn't drunk at all but was very tipsy
hmm
we had a big function going on not big but consider it as an important one
so.... the organiser hu's also my bar's share holder started to ask me to drink with him
first wasn't bad
1 gls of beer
then
3 vodka orange
3 j.w green label
3 gls of champagne
2 gls of red wine which suk
3 tequila shots
3 sambuca shots

and was the only bartender in the bar most of the time ... working in a island bar is sure crazy ...
i can cope though .. just tt i felt i was superman =p
haha

darling is real sad now...
it's for u honey

I'll be your dream I'll be your wish I'll be your fantasy
I'll be your hope I'll be your love Be everything that you need
I'll love you more with every breath Truly, madly, deeply do
I will be strong I will be faithful
'cause I'm counting on A new beginning
A reason for living
A deeper meaning, yeah

I want to stand with you on a mountain
I want to bathe with you in the sea
I want to lay like this forever
Until the sky falls down on me
And when the stars are shining brightly in the velvet sky,
I'll make a wish send it to heaven
Then make you want to cry
The tears of joy for all the pleasure in the certainty
That we're surrounded by the comfort and protection of
The highest powers In lonely hours
The tears devour you

Oh can you see it baby?
You don't have to close your eyes '
Cause it's standing rightbefore you
All that you need will surely come
I'll be your dream I'll be your wish I'll be your fantasy
I'll be your hope I'll be your love Be everything that you need
I'll love you more with every breath
Truly, madly, deeply do

[chorus]
I want to stand with you on a mountain
I want to bathe with you in the sea
I want to live like this forever
Until the sky falls down on me

darling jan i love u so much

2007-10-02T06:05:00.000+08:00

it's 2nd of oct
before tt wanna wish everyone happy childrens day
oh how i rmbed the times when i was in primary sch
children day was what all of us kids looked forward to be it going out with family
or looking forward to mummy's cooking
going to playgrounds with your 'best buds'
i'm glad till now i still have them
but too big for play grounds
wad memories ...
if only i could turn back time

hmmmm 2nd oct
honey's slping right now
just managed to put her to slp
she is my baby and will be my baby
for as long as i can hug her to slp
nothing is forever
cos i'm not immortal
i finally get something tt i realli want
i will cherish this baby of mine
i stroke her to slp
and even wanted me to tell her some sweet bed time story
awwww ... my baby
haha
well i did .. it sure took a lot of brain wrecking ideas to compose a sweet , unprepared bedtime story
love ya honey

2007-09-30T21:47:00.000+08:00

sweetest moments ("v")

I swear by the moon and the stars in the sky

And I swear like the shadow that's by your side
I see the questions in your eyes

I know what's weighing on your mind

You can be sure I know my heart
`Coz I'll stand beside you through the years

You'll only cry those happy tears

And though I make mistakes

I'll never break your heart
And I swear by the moon and the stars in the sky I'll be there I swear like a shadow that's by your side I'll be there
For better or worse, till death do us part

I'll love you with every beat of my heart

And I swear
I'll give you every thing I can

I'll build your dreams with these two hands

We'll hang some memories on the walls
And when just the two of us are there

You won't have to ask if I still care

`Coz as the time turns the page,

my love won't age at all
And I swear by the moon and the stars in the sky

I swear like the shadow that's by your side

I'll be there
For better or worse,

till death do us part

I'll love you with every beat of my heart

And I swear
I swear (I swear) by the moon and stars in the sky

I'll be there

I swear like the shadow that's by your side

I'll be there
For better or worse,

till death do us part

I'll love you with every (single) beat of my heart

I swear.......................................

2007-09-28T00:53:00.000+08:00

wad a long long day
was awake to do something...
the entire nite
spent lots of effort to make it as nice as possible... but to no avail
and it was crushed
while tt someone was slping -.-
got to meet her tmr
looking forward to it
tt's all i'm tired gtg

2007-09-27T02:32:00.003+08:00

nothing much today
woke up late went to work

i wonder if love's all abt missing that special someone ?
if it's about the trust, i will do my utmost best to get it
if it's about the fear , i will shine on it till it runs away
if it's about you, you melt my heart girl
i'm missing you just that i dunno how to tell ya

i was having a chat with shah , a new colleague of mine
we were talking about bartending
it made me realised
that i'm the kind if i wanna do something
i go all out for it
if not i wouldn't give a fuck about it
i would like to go to thumper
it's an all star bar

girl i miss you so
i'm all out for you
des.matt

2007-09-27T02:32:00.001+08:00

it's 5:10amdate 26/09/07 got back home for abt 2 hrs already had a very hard time saving my com just nowwell well... lost alot of picssadzwoke up at 11amwent to school todae to collect the PLC components for my major projectlum told me that he wants me to finish up my stuff asap ... the best by next mon .. well i didn't promised him i just said i will do my utmost best dressed up kinda a little bitit was really hot, humid and the sun was likewhooo!!!' perfect heat 'pespirations were dripping hard... enough for a pail of wateri guess jan would use it to bathe haha:) went to white sands to get her stuffshe wanted donuts n passionfruit ice blendeddamn she better apreciate it if not she's deadi hated to be out of the hse or school esp when it's super hot like noon???and i walked all over just to get her things and i walked over to her hse ???not allow to smoke ... had a bad craving and it was hot ... menthol would have been of a great helpbut then , i ate 2 ice creams to stop the craving and be chill before i meet heras i know smoking would only makes her pissed... i meant really pissed!!!she wasn't dressed up yetso i took a short nap over at the sofaand she used her hair to disturb me! i know you do have very long hairbut u shouldn't have done tt ... haha i wanted to slp!!!went for movies ... beef noodles ... and took a bus down to P.Ris park for a walk ...we were the for 4.5 hours ....from 9 plus to 3 plus ... she was already slping so i had to carry herafter walking for 5 mins plus i couldn't take it so i THREW her down onto the floor!!! haha nahz i was just joking ... i wouldn't bear to throw her down.
woke her up to walk haha ...sent her home and tata here i'm
it had been a great time
n i had alot of joyful times with her esp
*winkz*i know u are reading this
des.matt

2007-09-23T08:12:00.000+08:00

fri 21/09/2007

got nothing much ... chatted with someone special till fri 6 am ... was a realli good chat i must say... in fact it was great ... it's been a long long time since i get to chat to someone of this kind...
it's my type ...really and seriously speaking...
we met on fri ... abt 2 pm ... she wanted donut from donut factory initially ... but being blur i thot she just wanted normal donut haha.. when to her hse ... played with her dog ...
i love her long black hair... and she looked... so sweet ... i guess i fall in love at first sight ??? yet to be confirmed ...
took a train to orchard waited with her for 2 girls to pass her their uniform ... and had a walk with her

after tt i went str to work...
work was a total fuck up!
yup it was... was realli tired tt day
and i drank alot at work too

sat 22/09
slpt till 3 pm
but lay on the bed till 7 pm ... ard there ..
i guess it was a body break down
u noe when u are awake
yet u do not have any energy to move at all
but i could still sms
so i smsed her through out till 10 plus pm
she was out with her friends...
and fuck.. i wonder y some guys do not noe how to behave themself
if my gf got groped ...fuck i would seriously flare up
hmmm... met up with old time bartenders
shah og dominic mimi erwin and darren
flared till 7 am in the morning now's 8 plus just got back
she's soundly aslp now
erm...
BAR stands for BEER ALCOHOL RENCH
tt's wad i learnt through out our bartending conversation and challenged questions
i miss old times with forbidden bar gang
i learnt quite a few things too
once a sportsman always a sports man
once a bartender always a bartender
once a lover always a lover

hmmm u are who you are , no one can stop u or force u ... it depends fully on yourself only
ok i got to go... going for bball training
chao
des.matt

2007-09-18T16:41:00.000+08:00

2007-07-02T09:46:00.000+08:00

9:40am in lab
damn hungry
slpt for 30 mins den came to sch
was at barnone ytd with fish,nestor,fauzy,shah
recognised alot of barmens and ppl
max was there working
met new ppl... abt 15 more
shah was dead drunk made lotsa noise
and was a clown lol
was laughing crazy with the rest @ him haha
bar none's closing for renovation

well tmr (tue) is supposed to be my bartender of the year competition
but den... couldn't apply leave from sch
thus i have to give it up
cocktail competition and speed btl opening i have to wait till next yr...
fauzy(og) told mi to start preparing for next yr com ... man i'm gonna start training and let ppl see mi and say wow

wed's prac 1 motor wish mi luck!

des.matt

2007-06-30T15:53:00.001+08:00

i drank and work hard ytd
tried to forget everything
yea i did a little
but just now when i woke up
oh
tt fuck up contradicting feeling came back

2007-06-29T15:12:00.000+08:00

3:10pm in lab
20-1-44
life's boring
to me it only seems that cocoon is where my true self is
no more polo
no more bb
the past i used to be so busy
now
it's seems lonely
it seems boring
with no purpose
the once sportsman
is now a slacker

the end with mind
to be fitter
stronger
better
faster
to carve my name out in sports

it only seems when flaring with music
all problems seems to fade
even now.. my hearts keeps on ponder
my mind keeps on wandering
i wanna have a holidae
out of sg
to a much more slow moving pace
enjoyable
relaxing
bla bla bla

the once busy me
with polo
bball
bartending
and school

2 quarters of my life have been taken away
i guess i carn wait for treatment anymore
i rather start pushing all over again
but something i must cut down
SMOKING
sometimes smoking do help even though it's just an addiction
smoking is bad for health but it seems as your bestest partner
seems contradicting huh
yea i agree too

tonite i'm working again
tired but at least i feel good
looked at shah's flare
after that ming kiat
nasir
fauzy

they are improving too fast that i couldn't keep up with them
damn....

went to arena last nite with nestor nasir his gf, fish
came shah, benny and fauzy
had a nice party
drank kinda lot... first time i puke after drinking
guess i drank too much

i felt so high, so high that all troubles seems to have gone
i love it so much

starting work at 7...
gonna get drunk again tonite
yea man...
drink and flare
new slogan!

i wonder who's reading my blog
dun think so...
if only.. ... ... ... ...
i could have someone to tok to... really..
i miss my 149 brothers
forbidden tenders
her
dad
daniel
diane
and
MUM =(

MUM i seriously miss ya... can u come back to life and
i can spend all the times i din with u again ??

mum all of a sudden came back into my mind because lately everything i see or hear it's all abt family
mothers love
cancer and fuck! enough

2007-06-20T07:47:00.000+08:00

it's kinda hard now ...
yawnz....
besides that i'm tired
we went for a drive with issac daniel plus 2 other guys which i couldn't catch their names

i hope to be accepted

2007-06-19T10:24:00.000+08:00

looks like this time round
the decision is firm
there's nothin i can do anymore
i just screwed things up
i'm screwed
i'm so.........................................

the headache's... this time it hurting very much

the back's the same

gtg

2007-06-18T07:58:00.000+08:00

cough till woke up
oh it simply suck
migrain's still there
wad nice feeling early in the morning -.-
did a few sit ups and push up...
damn my back
it seriously hurts
off to sch!